ranting

I hate that you still think you're better than me, that i should feel privileged when you talk to me. For once why can't you actually want to be my friend and care about the things i have to say. It's been like this for so long and i thought things would change over time, that you would grow up. But you haven't, you're still the boy who thought it would be a joke to break my heart.. repeatedly.

You don't know it and you haven't intentionally done anything wrong but I'm just so angry at you. WHY DO I EVEN CARE?

get over it alicia.

Where's my head at?

I'm going to write a diary entry rather than a blog, just because.


Deary Diary,

I feel lost at work, uni and in my relationships with friends and boys. I dread getting up and going to work, it's become a chore. Uni is proving difficult which isn't suprising considering i have no motivation whatsoever. Friendship groups are changing as they often do at this time of year and i am unsure about what i want when interms of a relationship, but hey no suprise there.

Full time uni & casual work versus full time work & heaps of money.
For some this would be an easy decision to make, full time uni. Just think of my future and all the places a tertiary education can take me. I wish i saw it that way, i can't help but talk myself out of it. I keep telling myself i cant do it even though i'm told by some i'm more than capable. I want someone to organise my life, set me up sort of thing. I have no self control. I'm addicted to the life i've been living for the past 8-9 months and i don't know how to get out of this party mode.
I know i could easily go back to full time work, they'd especially love me for it. But i do remember how stressed and run down i got overtime. I can't say no when it comes to work. I feel i have this commitment and saying no would be letting the team down, even if it is sometimes unreasonable.
I should just stick it out at uni, for a year atleast. I just wish i believed in myself, it would make this decision much easier.

Friends weren't always my first priority. I felt that in year 11 and 12 i neglected many of my friendships due to involvement with a boy. So after school i decided that i needed to change this and became more dedicated to all of my friendships. This was so much easier than being in a complicated relationship! I wanted to be there for everyone all the time. I would drop everything if a friend was in need.
Eventually this caught up with me. I got tied up in everybody's drama's and unintentially was in the middle of fights all the time. I lost friends, made new friends and made a mense with the old friends.I loved that people would turn to me for advice but hated it at the same time. I had already been through their dramas and heartbreak, sometimes i didn't want to be reminded of the pain.
As a friend i guess none of us get this choice. Afterall i would want someone to listen to me regardless of their past experiences. If a someone has been through what you've been through you're more likely to turn to them, purely for the fact that a)they will give it to you straight and b) their advice will usually be more substancial.
I felt that was my position. Alot of my friends turned to me when their relationships turned sour. Like i said before this was great however it did bring back memories and with time the pain felt more and more real. I wanted to tell everyone to get over it. If it was meant to be, it would work out. Ofcourse i didn't say this to anyone, it would have been a little to harsh for someone going through a rough time.

Wow i'm really rambling.

So now i'm stuck. To be or not to be? I'm not the best with these sort of decisions.
You've got Boy A:
- Handsome
- Caring
- Understanding
- Very Loving
- Would do anything to make you happy

Then there's Boy B
- Hot (and he knows it)
- Cocky
- Hot and Cold
- Popular with other girls (he also knows this)
- Always in control of a situation
- In love... with himself

I ofcourse want "Boy B". I love the chase. He sounds exactly like what i'm always attracted to. I like to think of boys like this as some sort of challenge. Like i could somehow win him over, then i would gain all control. It never works out like this, i'm usually left chasing.
Right now i've got "Boy A"... well sort of. I like what we have going on, it's nothing serious but its not too casual either. He likes me and i know it. I often take advantage of this which i know is terrible however this does not stop me from hurting him continuously. I'm in control, which is what i said i wanted with "Boy B". But still i'm left wondering how much i want to be in it.

I don't even know why im dwelling on this, there's so many other things going on in life that is more important. Ah the drama's of a teenage girl.

I need to pull my head in.


Over and out.

all partied out? never.

It's been ages since i've written a blog. I started to realise that anyone can read what i write (i do know thats what blogs are all about) so what i think i need is a diary. Because I really just want to blurt all my thoughts out however i feel that they would come across brutal, more brutal than i would intend.

I'm back at uni, QUT this time round. It's great and it sucks but im dealing with it. I'm working alot less which im loving although my spending habits aren't. Uni means making new friends, well it's supposed to. To be honest i'm not really interested in meeting any new people at the moment, i'm happy with where i'm at.. to a certain extent anyway.

Boys? Yeah i have no idea either. I'm now single but i'm not sure if i ever even wrote any different. Doesn't feel much different but maybe because i still talk and see him infact we probably talk more and spend more time together. Hmm maybe not my smartest move but i've never been known for my intelligence.

The cruise was awesome by the way. I miss it just as much as the others. We had so many good times and now have so many incredible memories that will last me a lifetime (too bad my tan wont last that long). Who's up for Bali?