Deja Vu

I'm so happy, but am i turning into the person i dont want to be?
I'm worried that I'll make him my everything and push everyone else away. Not a minute goes by when i'm not with him that i wish he was by my side.

He's more than my boyfriend, he's my best friend. I didn't want that to happen.


I'm so happy but i dont know if this is what i want anymore.

another weekend

I had a good weekend. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYLEY. I hope you enjoyed yourself even if you didn't make it out because you're the new spew bitch haha :)

I'm still lost lonely and confused. I have no idea where i stand with you anymore.
I missed your smile, laugh and company too...

I need another nap.

Inspired by Lily Allen

It's not me it's you.....

Doesn't feel that long ago when i was saying it's not you it's me every second weekend. I couldn't make up my mind about what i wanted but lets face it, i didnt have to. I had someone chasing after me no matter what i did, what more could i have asked for? I was afraid of getting hurt again even though i was the one doing all of the hurting. I took what i had for granted and as per usual, didn't know how much i had until it was gone.

I have happy days and i have sad days. Sometimes i'll be sitting around and i'll just burst into tears. Other times i'll hear a song on the radio and i'll just smile at the memories it brings me. Life's a bitch but you can't do anything but pick up all the pieces and make an attempt to move on and learn from your mistakes.

Three months ago i lived for weekends and drunken adventures. Now even the thought of a weekend makes me sad. I don't want to live a life without you in it. This has been the hardest week of my life.
"I miss him. I mean really really miss him. I ache inside miss him".
Who would have thought that it would have come this far or ended this way.

My top 10 most played right now:

1. Kiss me thru the phone - Soulja Boy
2. Right now - Akon
3. It's all your fault - P!NK
4. Fruit machine (dave spoon remix) - The Ting Tings
5. If you seek amy - Britney Spears
6. Whatever you like - T.I.
7. All the above - Maino feat T-Pain
8. Talk like that - The Presets
   
9. Who'd have known - Lily Allen
10. Gifted (the ashton shuffle remix) - N.A.S.A. feat Kanye West, Lykee Li, Santogold

"I think women end up wiser and stronger when love ends".

IMY

Crash and Burn

by Savage Garden is a good song.

I was suprised that the message didnt' shatter me. I'm stronger than i thought. I can do this :)

PRESETS WERE AMAZING!

I HATE WINTER

It's the most depressing time of the year.

I miss him so much. I didn't think i would feel the way im feeling about somebody again but i am and it fucking sucks. Every song suddenly has meaning, I can't turn on the radio or even walk into a shop without hearing Kelly Clarkson. I can't help but listen to whatever you like on repeat when im listening to cd's in my car. Everymorning i wake up and check my phone, just incase... But nothing. And everytime i'm on the computer guess who's facebook i check. I can't even just lay in bed because then all i can think about is how much i want him to be laying there with me. I haven't had a good nights sleep (apart from saturday night when i passed out from being overly intoxicated) in 2 weeks. Last night i stayed back at work for 3 HOURS just because i didn't want to drive home alone, go to bed alone and then wake up alone.

We get so close and it feels so good - to him too. And then he gets scared or something and cuts all contact off again.

I got myself into this mess. This is all my fault. But i can't help but feel this way.
I don't want to let go.

History is horrible

Last night i went on a spontaneous mission with Gareth and James to the regency cinemas in the city after our messy monday afternoon. I had been desperately wanting to see "The boy in the striped pajamas" for quite some time however james wasn't as keen. Soon enough i had him on my side and gareth bought us tickets.

IT IS THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. I am rarely brought to tears over movies but this one did it for me. It was seriously the most brilliant and true reflection of history i have ever seen. Very realistic and upsetting. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it opened my eyes (even more so) to parts of world war II.

Go and see the boy in the srtiped pajamas!

ranting

I hate that you still think you're better than me, that i should feel privileged when you talk to me. For once why can't you actually want to be my friend and care about the things i have to say. It's been like this for so long and i thought things would change over time, that you would grow up. But you haven't, you're still the boy who thought it would be a joke to break my heart.. repeatedly.

You don't know it and you haven't intentionally done anything wrong but I'm just so angry at you. WHY DO I EVEN CARE?

get over it alicia.

Where's my head at?

I'm going to write a diary entry rather than a blog, just because.


Deary Diary,

I feel lost at work, uni and in my relationships with friends and boys. I dread getting up and going to work, it's become a chore. Uni is proving difficult which isn't suprising considering i have no motivation whatsoever. Friendship groups are changing as they often do at this time of year and i am unsure about what i want when interms of a relationship, but hey no suprise there.

Full time uni & casual work versus full time work & heaps of money.
For some this would be an easy decision to make, full time uni. Just think of my future and all the places a tertiary education can take me. I wish i saw it that way, i can't help but talk myself out of it. I keep telling myself i cant do it even though i'm told by some i'm more than capable. I want someone to organise my life, set me up sort of thing. I have no self control. I'm addicted to the life i've been living for the past 8-9 months and i don't know how to get out of this party mode.
I know i could easily go back to full time work, they'd especially love me for it. But i do remember how stressed and run down i got overtime. I can't say no when it comes to work. I feel i have this commitment and saying no would be letting the team down, even if it is sometimes unreasonable.
I should just stick it out at uni, for a year atleast. I just wish i believed in myself, it would make this decision much easier.

Friends weren't always my first priority. I felt that in year 11 and 12 i neglected many of my friendships due to involvement with a boy. So after school i decided that i needed to change this and became more dedicated to all of my friendships. This was so much easier than being in a complicated relationship! I wanted to be there for everyone all the time. I would drop everything if a friend was in need.
Eventually this caught up with me. I got tied up in everybody's drama's and unintentially was in the middle of fights all the time. I lost friends, made new friends and made a mense with the old friends.I loved that people would turn to me for advice but hated it at the same time. I had already been through their dramas and heartbreak, sometimes i didn't want to be reminded of the pain.
As a friend i guess none of us get this choice. Afterall i would want someone to listen to me regardless of their past experiences. If a someone has been through what you've been through you're more likely to turn to them, purely for the fact that a)they will give it to you straight and b) their advice will usually be more substancial.
I felt that was my position. Alot of my friends turned to me when their relationships turned sour. Like i said before this was great however it did bring back memories and with time the pain felt more and more real. I wanted to tell everyone to get over it. If it was meant to be, it would work out. Ofcourse i didn't say this to anyone, it would have been a little to harsh for someone going through a rough time.

Wow i'm really rambling.

So now i'm stuck. To be or not to be? I'm not the best with these sort of decisions.
You've got Boy A:
- Handsome
- Caring
- Understanding
- Very Loving
- Would do anything to make you happy

Then there's Boy B
- Hot (and he knows it)
- Cocky
- Hot and Cold
- Popular with other girls (he also knows this)
- Always in control of a situation
- In love... with himself

I ofcourse want "Boy B". I love the chase. He sounds exactly like what i'm always attracted to. I like to think of boys like this as some sort of challenge. Like i could somehow win him over, then i would gain all control. It never works out like this, i'm usually left chasing.
Right now i've got "Boy A"... well sort of. I like what we have going on, it's nothing serious but its not too casual either. He likes me and i know it. I often take advantage of this which i know is terrible however this does not stop me from hurting him continuously. I'm in control, which is what i said i wanted with "Boy B". But still i'm left wondering how much i want to be in it.

I don't even know why im dwelling on this, there's so many other things going on in life that is more important. Ah the drama's of a teenage girl.

I need to pull my head in.


Over and out.

all partied out? never.

It's been ages since i've written a blog. I started to realise that anyone can read what i write (i do know thats what blogs are all about) so what i think i need is a diary. Because I really just want to blurt all my thoughts out however i feel that they would come across brutal, more brutal than i would intend.

I'm back at uni, QUT this time round. It's great and it sucks but im dealing with it. I'm working alot less which im loving although my spending habits aren't. Uni means making new friends, well it's supposed to. To be honest i'm not really interested in meeting any new people at the moment, i'm happy with where i'm at.. to a certain extent anyway.

Boys? Yeah i have no idea either. I'm now single but i'm not sure if i ever even wrote any different. Doesn't feel much different but maybe because i still talk and see him infact we probably talk more and spend more time together. Hmm maybe not my smartest move but i've never been known for my intelligence.

The cruise was awesome by the way. I miss it just as much as the others. We had so many good times and now have so many incredible memories that will last me a lifetime (too bad my tan wont last that long). Who's up for Bali?

I want

World peace... Just kidding.

Someone who i like and likes me, but we're not official. No pressure, just fun. No thinking about the future, just now. Carefree also. Oh and good looking of course.

You never know how much you've got until it's gone.

Summer is drawing to an end

Today i woke up to a rainy day, which was fairly disappointing considering we had made plans to go to the beach. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "AHHH WHO IS THAT HIDEOUS LOOKING GIRL". So i went back to bed feeling more miserable than the weather looked. The longer i lay there the longer i thought about how unhappy i was so decided to get up and face the world, well my mother at least. She was just as unhappy as me which did not help my mood at all.

Onto myspace, facebook and msn i went (yes, in that order) to see what i had missed in the past 11 hours... not much. I lazed around some more. Mum then offered me some breakfast, which was more like dinner. It made me feel sick which did wonders to the great mood i was in. Laura called and suggested we go to the city and while i was on the phone to her brendan called and i invited him.

On the way to the bus stop we made a detour to the servo near Laura's. She got credit and i bought this months cosmo (both necessities in any teenage girls life). On the way out i glanced at a bottle of red cordial that was on the shelf and remembered that i had left the water bottle i had put cordial in before i left so i didnt buy a drink while out, i was rather angry. The bus trip was boring apart from one quote from the magazine that i think made both mine and Brendans day, "Are your LADY PILLOWS exposing the truth...".

We came, we shopped, we conquered. Laura ended up with new shoes after going backwards and forwards between Betts and Zu about four times. And for those who don't know the queen street mall very well, these shops are right next to eachother! I also bought new shoes (yes more new shoes) which i am a very big fan of. And a top/dress or as shaye and i would say, shress. Was only $10 and will be good for the cruise.. which is only 12 sleeps away! Actually more like 11 sleeps for me seeing as im working 11pm-7am = death.

We got home after an unecessary long walk which brendan and i blame laura for. She pressed the button too late so the bus didn't stop at the right bus stop! This is where we said goodbye to brendan and made our way to the travel agents. Everything for the cruise is now sorted, except my suitcase. Back at laura's again and she offered that i stay for dinner. We had Indian which was an experience to say the least and not because of the food.

Laura Allen, definition of my best friend. I dont tell you enough how much you mean to me and how different my life would be without you (For the worse of course). I love our stupid inside jokes, pointless hangouts that last for days in a row at a time, that we have had fights and dont pretend like things have always been perfect purely because thats not realistic. I love that i don't even have to speak and you know exactly how i feel or what im thinking about. I love that the past 3 boys we have fallen for have been best friends (which is secretly an attempt to just see eachother more). I just really cant put it into words, how much you mean to me that is. In a friend way, you're the one that wants me. Anyway i'm just glad that it's not us that change, its those around us. I really hope we're friends forever.
In every sense of those words...


Oh and i'm now enjoying that cordial i left at home this morning.

Bye Bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

lost

and confused.

that's as much as i'm going to open up today.

What a mess

.. not me for a change, my life.

I did write more but then i realised i don't want people to know how unhappy i am right now.

'09

Out with the old and in with the new...