The New Year

So this year has had its ups and downs. I can't say i had a bad year, i wouldnt say ive had a good year either. However i am now content with where i'm at now that 2008 is drawing to an end. Right now i am watching one of my friends go through something heartbreaking. I have stood by her side the entire time and dont plan on going anywhere anytime soon. I know what this is like and how it can make you feel. It leaves me being even more warey of getting myself into any kind of relationship.
I am both excited and scared about 2009..

this is a shit time of year for me
& thats all i can think about

Signs

What do i want to do in 2009?
Will i return to Uni?
Will i stay where i currently work?
What type of car will i buy/ Is it worth fixing my old car?

Above are just some of the questions circulating in my mind right now. I have been told by some that no matter which path i choose i have a bright future ahead of me, I'm not so sure. I cant help but notice signs shouting out at me.

The List

The Met
Birdees
Jupiters
The Treasury
Family
Planet
Mistique
Port Office
GPO
Normanby
Chalk
Calamvale
The Glen
The Bedroom
Beer Garden
Cocktails and Dreams
Melbas
The Drink
Sin City
Shooters
Showgirls
The Alex
Monestry
The Beat
Greenbank RSL
Fringe Bar
Mustang
The Bank
Friday's
Ceasers
The Vic
Regatta
Diggers
Gilhooly's
XXXX Brewery Tour
Story Bridge Hotel
Wickham

.. to be continued

Back to the real world.

My week and a half off is over and it's back to work for me.. not something that i have been looking forward to. Having no car makes my working life more exhausting. I don't enjoy walking when it means ending up at McDonald's or at home after a long shitty 10 hour day. My weekends are filled with work and unpaid overtime while my friends enjoy the time they have off. My tan is already slowly fading, the dark circles under my eyes are reappearing and I'm spending any free time i have on myspace, msn and facebook.

I hate not having a way around, not being able to just drive until i forget all my problems and not being able to make the most of the cheap petrol prices. But most of all i miss my friends.

All my friends seem pretty happy right now (apart from the usual tiny relationship dramas) and i'm happy for them.. but i cant help but think that im being left behind. The feeling of being left behind isn't a fun one to explain. Plus if i go into any more detail things might get sticky, i'd rather leave everyone guessing.

crash and burn

where to start.. im feeling pretty guilty and depressed right now.

I had a car accident this afternoon, completely my fault. It's fairly blurry to look back upon but i looked away for one second and as i looked infront of me, i saw my bonet slowly crunch towards me. Evetything was in slow motion, i dont even think i braked.

I was pretty shaken up and now im just blaming myself for being stupid. People keep telling me these things happen. I know in time ill look back and laugh, well i hope i will.

Bedtime..

less wise?

Yesterday i got my wisdom teeth out. What an experience! I went in with an open mind and not too nervous but when i sat in the chair and the assistant passed me the glasses i felt shakey, i wanted to hold my mums hand but i didnt want her to know i was scared. He talked me through what was going to happen however that didnt calm the nerves.

6 needles, two for each tooth. Others had said these kind of needles were the worst but i didnt find them too bad. My whole jaw was numb, my lower lip and chin felt 75x's their usual size, i felt like an alien.

He started with the lower right, the one he thought would be the hardest. I couldn't feel a thing, apart from pressure which i was told was normal. Next thing i knew i was chocking on something. That something turned out to be my tooth. I sat up and spat it out laughing about it as was everyone in the room. I layed back down feeling less anxious this time. He then said, "Yes, this one will definitely need some stitches". I smiled with excitement as i had never needed stitches before.

The next to go was the lower left. This one also came out quite easily. So easily that it flew out of my mouth and onto the floor, along with a fair bit of blood. Some more laughs were had and the tooth was picked up.

Last but not least was the top left. This one proved to be one tough tooth! It didnt want to budge, out of all three this one took the longest. It eventually came out but no cool stuff this time, the assistant just caught it.

You're probably wondering what happened with the other one? Well the dentist said because it wasn't causing any drama it would be fine to leave.

Yesterday was pretty miserable, beautiful weather and i stayed inside and watched movies. I wasn't allowed to rinse my mouth out just yet so i tasted pretty gross. All i ate all day was about two mouthfuls of ice cream that shaye bought when she visited and even that hurt.

Today im not feeling too bad. All my teeth hurt, my cheeks are swallon and one of my stitches is digging into my swallon cheek but ive had worse pain before. Im feeling very hungry but am not game to try any food just yet. Instead ill sip on my water bottle through my straw. Might even lay in the sun for a while.

Fingers crossed i can play for some of the grand final tomorrow night.

nova

good old nova 106.9.. usually gets me through the days when im lazing around at home and today is no different. Radio's on and my blinds are open so i can bring the good weather into my room.

Today ive decided i need to apply for my passport.. ive put it off for too long. I am however dreading the horrible passport photo that is involved. No one ever seems to look good.

I really have nothing to say..
oh apart from ive decided im opening up too much so thats going to stop.

calm before the storm...

that is supposed to wipe out south east queensland seems to be a little less severe than expected.

Commitment means something different to everyone and people go about it in their own ways. I'm still afraid after all this time of what will happen if i let down my guard and let in someone new.

I consider myself to be fairly complicated when it comes to my emotions. I struggle expressing emotions and affection and i feel this is because of the guard that i place infront of outsiders and friends. I am often perceived as unaffectionate because i dont hug my friends on a regular basis. I see hugging someone to be a personal thing, something you would do with a partner not with a friend. I hope no one takes too much offence when i knock down a hug. Cuddling on the other hand i would never knock down. However i would be worried if laura or katie wanted to cuddle with me...

I am hesitant to let the people around me get to know the "real" me in case i fail to meet their expectations.

I want to like this boy but im scared of that too.

To put it bluntly the weather is still shit. In fact its worse than before and maybe ill wake up without a roof or something.

Inspirational?

Just something i wrote to someone once upton a time...

"hey and all that jazz..
firstly id like to inform you that you ALWAYS underestimate yourself and your abilities to achieve.
There is no reason you cant get an A in maths B, beccome a famous photographer or fly to the moon even. You just need to apply yourself to your dreams.

Noone succeeds unless they believe in themselves, its not pure luck its persistance.

I dont agree with your "about me". I am yet to meet someone who doesnt think you're the coolest kid on the block, cooler than me even (yeah i didnt know it was possible either). Stop dwelling on the negatives and write a list of the positives. If you look at the list and it doesnt satisfy you, work on this. Make this your goal and stick to it.

You're capable of anything. The world is your oyster.

I think this is the smartest thing i have writen all year, maybe i havent lost it.
Love you."

apple juice & raisen toast

So yesterday i had a really good day. I finished all my errands. Went for long walks which had no purpose or meaning, which gave us time to think, gossip & complain of course. Watching the ants attempting to carry away a paddlepop stick while sitting in the gutter - classy. Visiting katie and getting to see her babies (sea monkeys) then organising a camping trip. Coming home and watching TV with mum. Then finally going to bed early again, im getting addicted to "having a good nights sleep".

One thing in particular is still on my mind...

I'm scared of commitment. And i hope that i dont let another good one slip away because of it.


Today will be a good day too. I'm ending this on a positive note as this is a positive blog. Blogs are often too sad.
& if anyone was wondering, the title has no relevance to the blog.

a clean slate

i usually find that my life is a mess when my room is a mess. Thankfully my kind mother took the time to clean it for me as she was sick of nagging me about it.

So now that its clean im hoping that miraculously my life will fall into place.. wishful thiking huh?

sigh.
there s no word for my current emotion.

overtime

Im curious how some arent afraid to let someone in, how some dont have the fear of getting hurt. I'm lonely but i dont want anybodys company.

A friend cut and paste some text from somewhere? & for some reason after reading it i feel scared:

I believe -
. . . that just because two people argue, it doesn't
mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't
mean they do.

I believe -
. . . that we don't have to change friends if we
understand that friends change.

I believe -
. . . that no matter how good a friend is, they're
going to hurt you every once in a while and you must
forgive them for that.

I believe -
. . . that we are responsible for what we do, no
matter how we feel

I believe -
. . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get
back up.

I believe -
. . . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right
to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be
cruel.

I believe -
. . . that even when you think you have no more to
give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find
the strength to help.

I believe -
. . . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive
yourself.

I have no idea why im scared.
But i do know im finding it hard to forgive her.

I wish i had his opinion.

I dont believe you

Writing down and talking about my feelings/thoughts never came easily until i learned to trust. Now that trust has been broken i find myself lost for words. Who do i turn to?

Scared.